The Conversations We Carry and the Clarity They Create

A conversation can create or destroy a connection, depending on its flow, but the flow can end long before anyone stops talking.

A look, a pause, a certain word, a feeling of being dismissed, and suddenly the real conversation shifts inside. The conversation may not stop, but you can feel the energy shift. The conversation just got awkward.

Whether the conversation continues or shuts down right there depends on who we are and how we handle energy. On the outside, we may exchange banter or niceties. We may continue to entertain if we must, but inside we are defending, accusing, replaying, preparing, or shutting down.

Contrast in a conversation is where the most growth happens, but, when we've been triggered, we survive how we've always survived. That trigger moment is GOLD. That's where it happens. This is where you recognize how YOU react.

• We feel slighted when we don't get the recognition we're looking for. Do we have any idea what we want to be recognized for, or recognized AS?

• We feel dismissed when someone's attention is elsewhere because we want to be/feel special in their eyes. When it feels like someone dismisses or is dismissing you, it may not be the same for you, but for me, it's like asking where we belong in their world.

Suddenly anything that mattered to you doesn't matter. All that matters is getting the attention back of the person on whom you're focused.

When we feel dismissed, we want validation that we matter, that we have a right to be heard.

Seeking validation does not make someone weak or needy. It makes them human.

Whether they admire you, are in love with you, work with you or remember you, they seek a connection with you. They see something in you that they want for themselves. Confidence. Success. Skill. Experience. They have an intention. They want something from you.

If it's sales or marketing, and what they want is your money, I understand dismissing a conversation.

Otherwise, resisting connection reveals enough about you to make someone suspicious. What are you hiding? What are you afraid someone might see, realize or recognize about you? Trust issues.

On the other side of that coin is vulnerability. Just as dismissing someone reveals resistance, vulnerability is not timing the trust, trying to make a moment something it's not yet ready to become.

Taking the conversation in a direction that sounds like a line of questioning can take what was a two-way conversation towards someone feeling like they need to defend how they feel, no matter how they feel about anything in that moment.

Revealing too much about yourself up front, too soon, before trust has had time to establish says that you will sacrifice of yourself to make ANY connection. A conversation that starts out this way usually goes in the direction of someone feeling like they get taken advantage of often.

Conversation, connection, the flow of the day.

You attract more reasons to feel however you feel. And how you feel right now is exactly how you're supposed to feel. About anything. Hopeful. Sad. Lonely. Inspired. Scared. Nervous, Frustrated. Mad.

No matter where you stand in any conversation. Whether you stand in this moment or survive this moment, get through it. The conversation going on is only revealing YOUR feelings.

That is where clarity begins. Not after we craft the perfect sentence, but after we notice the conversation we are carrying on with ourselves.

Writing can reveal the conversation underneath the conversation.

Calling it emotional stops the conversation

When feelings rise, people might say, “You seem emotional" or, "I’m getting emotional,” as if that explains everything and ends the inquiry. Whether they want attention or not, now people are cautious. Behavior may be excused, whether disrespectful, malicious or simply passive aggressive.

Now, you're sensitive. You could blow at any moment, or people worry, but they don't want to ask because you have already stated you're feeling emotional.

Just the word emotional changes the room. Gentleness may be called for. Compassion may be needed. Forgiveness may enter. But when the word “emotional” becomes a full stop, we miss the message inside the feeling. The feeling that is obvious or apparent enough to warrant a warning.

The feeling is not the problem. The feeling is a signal. It's pointing to the actual problem. A memory was triggered. Something was said or done to remind you of a time that felt not so good, for whatever reason you had.

The goal is not to stop feeling. The goal is to hear what the feeling is trying to say without letting it drive the whole conversation.

When someone says they are emotional, that may be the moment to slow down instead of full stop or tread lightly. Or, consider it a warning that friction is likely to be had.

When we're in a negative state of "feeling", the conversation from there on will reveal what triggered the friction between you in the moment.

To ask if you said something wrong or if they are ok either puts them on the spot or asks them to justify what they feel. A better question might be a simple and concise, “What happened?”

That question opens the door. It invites their energy in without pressuring them to come in.

What they want in THIS moment is the right to exist in any world but their own. Whether they talk about what's troubling them or they welcome a distraction, how the conversation proceeds IS within the control of the person who's LISTENING, not the person who's talking.

A slower conversation gives both people room to stay present.

Listening - A Skill Not Taught or Discussed Nearly Enough

When most people listen, they plan how they'll respond. They have an intention. Make the sale. Console your friend. Get hired for the job. Make sure they KNOW this about me. Make sure they like me or need me. They're listening for how THEY are affected by what is said next.

People want to matter. That's all they want ALWAYS. When someone is feeling emotional, they are questioning their role in their own life. How connected they are to themselves. It comes out as doubt and insecurity, doubting the role they play in the life of whomever they're talking to.

I recognize these because I still catch myself. Everyone, including me, is a work in progress. Nothing can change until we understand why it is as it is. Where my ego enters the conversation is where I take notice.

First thing to consider is your audience. With whom you are engaging and why matters only for the reasons you let it. Do you want what they're selling? Do you appreciate their attention?

or

Am I simply taking in their energy, and do I want to right now? (Am I getting a vibe that feels like a warning?)

Am I defending a feeling or justifying my place or existence?

Analyzing the Energy of the Conversations I've Been Having

I've been listening differently lately. Not just to what people say, but to what seems to happen when they talk to me.

Strangers tell me their stories. Loved ones call to check in and stay for hours. People ask for my opinion, my perspective, or how I would handle something. They trust me with things they apparently don't trust themselves to sort through alone.

I think that's why people who know me may tend to feel vulnerable around me. They know I listen differently. I hear the words, but I also hear what's underneath them. Privately, this is where I do my best work. It's almost like I can almost channel another person's Inner Being and help them hear what they already know.

Having a room full of people talking at me does not sound inviting. What excites me is connection—helping someone reconnect with themselves, helping two people hear each other differently, or occasionally being the person who can see the connection between several people when they can't see it themselves.

I've done couples counseling. I'd love to explore family work. The connection is the part that fascinates me.

But I've also spent too much energy making myself available. I've made myself smaller, more accessible, more employable. The resumes go nowhere. The conversations happen, sometimes for hours, and then disappear. Financially, I'm tired of robbing Peter to pay Paul. Peter is almost out of anything to rob.

So I'm asking a different question now.

A former version of me sought permission to exist. She wanted to feel wanted, needed, useful—until eventually she could make peace with simply being wanted.

Today's version of me doesn't need permission. I'm proud of who I've become.

I don't mind being the person people talk about, even if they only talk to me when they need to.

I want to understand the role I actually play in people's lives—and whether that role is something I should be getting paid for.

Because maybe what I'm looking for isn't another job.

Maybe I'm finally trying to recognize the work I've been doing all along.

Some conversations linger after the room gets quiet.

Clarity comes from owning our part

Owning our part does not mean accepting all the blame. It means becoming honest enough to see our own contribution.

That may sound like:

• I came in hurt, so my words sounded like an attack.

• I wanted comfort, but I acted like I wanted assurance.

• I said I wanted to be heard, but I was not ready to listen.

• I called it honesty, but I used honesty as a weapon.

• I took offense, and now I need to ask what felt threatened.

  
  

This kind of clarity is not always comfortable, but it is clean. It gives us something to work with.

Someone asked if I use ai. I do, to assist. I read every word and edit to make it MINE. It has happened that I missed something and apologized or corrected anything that came across wrong.

This article, anything I write and publish is not just an idea for writing. It is a practice for living.

What I write is intended to inspire understanding, reflection, and compassion, not necessarily action. The action I'm seeking is the connection.

Clarity often arrives one honest step at a time.

As I sit in judgment of myself, of my level of contentment with myself, validation within myself is finally nicely aligned. I like the woman I see in the mirror and I'm loving the life we are living.

I am the wife the man I love deserves. I know what kind of wife I want to be.

I have the kind of relationship with my husband I have dreamed of.

Not always perfect, but every day is better than the day before.

My husband leaves me no room to doubt IF and HOW he loves me.

We've grown together through the times that tried to tear us apart.

Doubts within ourselves. doubts whether we were worth fighting for. We decided we are.

I know I'm doing that right.

I know I am exactly the kind of mother I wanted to be. My kids love me and respect me in a way that my parents only dreamed of. I have proven to myself and to them, metaphorically speaking, that they did it wrong. I did it better. Had they listened to me at times, but had I listened to them, we would have had much different journeys than we did.

My children listen to me and I listen to them. We may not always agree, but I feel respected and heard, as I think they do. I know how they're doing. They don't worry about me, but I feel no doubt that when I am out of sight, I am not out of mind.

Some friends stay in touch. I've tried to connect with people online. People appreciate my 1:1 time, but fear trusting some stranger. They open up to me and thank me for insight and encouragement. Then I get ghosted.

I have some family I talk to, some family I don't. Some like me. Some keep in touch because we're family. Some stay away because we're family. I have some chosen family left. Plenty I have outgrown. I'm not better or better off than anyone. I'm where I am and they're where they are.

I have no doubt I'm loved and appreciated by those who love me. I have no doubt many people love me from afar. I'm a whole lot of conversation. I'm not usually the topic. Though, I share MY experiences and skills to connect with those I do connect with, validation in where and how I fit into other people's worlds or lives remains unclear.

I know my work history and ethic. I used to read resumes for a living. I've hired people. I've written resumes. I've crafted and facilitated projects for plenty of people and organizations. I've asked people close to me who might answer and it seems too deep a topic, I guess. Asking in person feels awkward and embarrassing. Here, nobody knows who I'm asking, including me.

An attempt was made early this year to steal my identity. Money, time and energy were lost, trying to retrieve and protect who I was until then. Instead, I decided the universe got jokes and has a point to make.

I've been trying to earn a living, being who I am. I taught the Law of Attraction. I was a life coach, a counselor, a friend, an employee. But, who I am, besides the obvious roles has been a challenge to name.

I've come up with "support role", so far. Leave a comment or email me. It's not an ego stroke I seek. It's actual answers and testimonials from anyone who would.