Change is YOUR Energy Moving Thru Time
Updated: Sep 7
How Well Do You Adjust During Turbulence?
The more things change, the more we realize what and how much is still the same.
When you change everything about your life and, still, you can't place your finger on what's not right, the common denominator is YOU. You're carrying energy that is not yours to carry anymore. Maybe it once was, but do you feel responsible for someone else's welfare or well-being?
What makes them YOUR responsibility?
In the case of kids, just because you brought them into this world does not mean you owe them everything for the rest of your life. You owe them nothing. Conversely, it's important to remember that they owe you nothing also. Any relationship you have with them or anyone else is the result of how you manage and balance the relationship with your life and with who and what else is important to you.
You don't HAVE time for anyone, you MAKE time for who and what is important.
Disappointment is ALWAYS the result of unmet expectations. If you're often disappointed, consider what you're expecting, and from whom
Patience is not the ability to wait. It's what you do with your time while you wait.
Your lack of planning does not constitute MY emergency
If you don't pick the challenge you want to face today, life will pick for you
Time does not heal all wounds. Looking at what happened from a more positive perspective heals wounds. That does not happen until YOU decide you're ready to do that.
Every cloud DOES have a silver lining, if you look hard enough.
Change is inevitable. Whether it’s a new job, a move to a different city, or a shift in personal relationships, how we respond to change is within our control.
Of course, change is hard. It's the transition from one version of you into the next.
Understanding the Nature of Change
Change can be daunting, bringing uncertainty and discomfort.
Change = Growth in one way or another.
Understanding the nature of change eases how scary it can be. When you break it down, in every moment, you are both letting go of something and, either, embracing or avoiding something else.
Change is Constant: Energy is in constant motion. Life is in a state of flux. ALWAYS. Accepting that change is a natural part of existence makes anxiety a clear signal.
Change is Opportunity: Each change presents a chance for growth. It can go wrong or it can lead to bigger and better. What you EXPECT is how it will go. If you expect to regret your decisions because you, so often, do, you will.
Change is Personal: Everyone experiences change differently. What may be a significant change for one person may not be for another. What you make a big deal BECOMES a big deal. If something excites you, make a big deal out of it. If something scares you or makes you nervous, play it down. Don't lie or avoid, but minimize what scares you. Try to focus on the potential consequences of the sacrifice(s) you're making. You're not enjoying right now, but you'll thank yourself later. Think what you have to look forward to.
Cultivating a Growth Mindset
A growth mindset is the belief that growth cannot happen without challenge, embracing challenge as opportunity for growth, as opposed to allowing life to defeat them in any given moment.
1. Embrace Challenges
Challenges are ALWAYS the result of a connection. People come in and out of your life to either support you or challenge you, depending on where you are and who you keep in your circle.
The people who challenge you may be seeking support from you. People argue FOR their own limitations. They think they need you to do what they want you to do to appease them. When someone wants to argue, be where they're not. Let them vent somewhere else, unless you're willing to sacrifice your time and energy into an argument that is likely a conversation that's been avoided.
When someone triggers you, they reminded you of a time when you felt a similar feeling. Whether you run or hide for safety, or you change the topic of conversation, you are respecting yourself over worrying about or protecting how someone else feels. Choose yourself when possible and escape the moment. Either leave or check out. Provide an explanation if/once you feel safe if you want, but none is OWED to anyone.
If/When you're feeling dismissed, YOU are seeking validation for feeling however you feel. You want to be seen, not as "just anyone" but as relevant right now. If you fear love ends when someone gets mad at you or you're mad at someone, consider what love means to you.
Just because, last week, you agreed, does not mean that this week you must. Maybe some new information came to light.
2. Learn from Criticism
Criticism comes across as, "That's not good enough", but is really nothing more than suggestions for improvement. The way those suggestions are made is usually what we resist, but there's a reason they are usually presented as they are.
When we are excited, we don't want to hear it. Hold your tongue until later. Let them celebrate right now. Lest, you be the one who comes across as pessimistic, as if nothing is good enough for you. Whether you criticize or incite doubt by asking why isn't it better, save it for a more appropriate time to discuss.
If you hear out their "criticisms" knowing they have the best of intentions but don't know how else they could help or support you, you'll hear more value than if you took offense and shut down.
3. Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results
Have you ever tried to help and things didn't go as planned? In your head, you were already chastising yourself. To hear other people tell you what you did wrong didn't help, did it?
Whether it's your own effort you dismiss, calling yourself a failure because it didn't go right or you're accusing someone who cares about you of intentionally messing you up, consider offering some compassion when it does not work out.
To offer unwarranted, compassion may sound like ego-stroking. Otherwise known as ass-kissing, sunshine-pumping or a condescending atta-boy, but to offer compassion like this is protects the relationship. One's trying, one's feeling. Which one are you?
This helps reinforce the idea that growth comes from the process, not just the end result.
How to Manifest a Smoother Transition
What makes time valuable is what you do with it. One person's time is worth more than another because they have invested their time into experiencing life. Whether they've had more time or they've optimized the time they have so far lived, their life experience is what you're paying for.
The man who solved a problem no one could solve by simply hitting the right spot with the right hammer with the exact right amount of pressure can rightfully charge whatever he wants to charge. You're not paying him to hit it with a hammer. You're paying him to know what he's doing.
1. Be as Specific as You are Sure
Once I suspected it would not work out, I stopped making long-term plans. I was not yet ready to break up with them, but making plans meant one more commitment I would not be honoring if today was the day I got the nerve to say it.
I didn't know where I was going. I just knew I was leaving, so I focused on saying goodbye and tying up loose ends. Where I ended up took care of itself.
I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew what I DIDN'T want. That was enough for me to get started.
2. Make Goals Measurable
I don't agree with using SMART goals because I don't agree with putting a clock on it. Making it measurable is part of that line of thinking. I disagree. I only want to know that it's moving in the direction I want.
I weigh myself to see how I'm doing nutritionally. The number is either lower than last time or within the range that I decided is justified. If not, I know I'm allowing myself too many "cheats" lately. For me, that's anxiety.
3. Set Realistic and Time-Bound Goals
I'm working with what ai used as titles in these articles. I would not have included anything about this, but since it did, I'll tell you why. It's going to sound like gibberish, but here's my logic:
Anxiety is the desire to live in a future moment, not appreciating something about NOW.
To miss someone or something is a reminder to appreciate something NOW before it's gone because, everybody knows, "You don't know what you got until it's gone".
When I felt unappreciated, I left because I wanted to be missed. I came back to a totally different environment, whether it was me or anybody/everybody else, I now feel appreciated and I know who I miss and why.
Every time I have rushed a decision, regret soon follows for one reason or another.
If I feel rushed or anxious, who's clock am I on?
Building Resilience
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks. It’s getting back on the horse, trying again after failing, after feeling defeated. Here are some strategies to build resilience:
1. Develop YOUR Support System
Surround yourself with people who feel genuine. People you trust. People you feel safe around whom you can count on to be there for you. People who want to celebrate everything. They see only your potential. They make you uncomfortable with their praise, but, they'll support you in any way they can.
You also want to recognize the people who claim to not know who you are. The people around whom you feel dismissed in any way. They're the ones that make you think, if you are aware enough to guide your own thinking. No disrespect intended to anyone who does not yet know what I mean, but when you figure it out, you'll understand.
What I mean by that is, the people who challenge you to DECIDE who you want to be are a gift. My mother, being completely incapable of connecting, all my life has dismissed other people, life happening all around her while she read her book. Turns out, she doesn't even care what kind of book she was reading because she retains little of what she reads these days. If you ask how the book is, she'll tell you if she thinks it's well written or not. She couldn't care less what the content is. I found out she has some favorites, like mysteries and romance.
Her inability to appreciate books, her life or her children is not MY challenge. It's hers. It once defined me as a person who asked for permission to exist. Acknowledgment is all I wanted. I stopped asking for her to appreciate when I realized who she is and what I knew about me.
I told a friend that I was offended by something she DIDN'T say. She got mad. She stormed off. I don't blame her. I should have said first what I was going to say next. I wanted to thank her. She sent me down a rabbit hole to DECIDE who I wanted to be and what I want to do.
I was upset that she did not give me credit publicly for whatever role I've played in HER journey. She could not publicly single me out because many people have played a HUGE role in her journey. She said, "You're going to have to learn to speak up for yourself" and she was completely right.
Being offended is MY problem, not hers. In any conversation, though, of course, it sounds like I'm blaming her for offending me. I was not. She would normally know that about me. We've had conversations before that could have been far more awkward than this one. I tried to stop her from walking away, but quickly realized how I screwed up how I brought it up, so I allowed her the space to be mad at me.
People-ing can be exhausting when understanding people IS your work. This led to a conversation with my husband on how conversations go when HE talks about me. When people ask what I do, what does he tell them? Does he tell them I soak up oxygen, live the high life while he goes to a job he tolerates so we can buy a little more time until I get "discovered"?
Because that's what was floating in MY head for a while. I talk about how we only tell the world what we DON'T want, rarely admitting what we REALLY want:I'd rather people talk ABOUT me than TO me, unless they're paying me to, I care about them or we have some connection.
I offered to spend time with people doing what THEY want to get done:
Go through estates that remain open. I see this as helping them close a chapter to allow whatever is next for them to come in.
Bringing to life the vision of a logo someone wanted to nurture a small business that she and her brother started together. Whether she ever tells anyone the role I played or not, as her business grows and more people see the logo I helped bring to life, I get the satisfaction of knowing that I did that.
Talk about how to how to have hard conversations with someone they love or want to get to know better. I LOVE that!! - I'm flattered to be the person they trust, but it's not paying the bills.
How to step out of your comfort zone. - People ask me a lot about that, too.
2. Practice Self-Care
Mental health, no matter what diagnosis or name it is given, is your relationship with yourself and your life. How much control you have over your nervous system in any given situation.
When you feel attacked, do you have a meltdown? Do you meltdown in public or in private?
Do you never "melt down"? Instead, you bottle it all in. How you feel shows up in passive aggressive behavior. You can hide all you want. You can deny how you feel, but your actions give you away every time.
How guarded or free-flowing are conversations with you? Do you tend to dominate the conversation or are you more of a listen and observe kind of person?
While you're trying to be who you think the world wants you to be, the conversations you're having, who you are in public vs who you are in private - how aligned are they?
Never mind who or what you see in the mirror. The conversation you're having with that person is what matters. Who is that person? How well do YOU know them?
What's the world noticing that you may not want them to see? I know how to change what YOU see, if anyone wants to hear it.
3. Maintain a Positive Outlook
This is NOT the same as "Stay Positive". I HATE that!! LoL. My son says I got rainbows and unicorns in my line of vision. It annoys him, but he's learned to love me anyway. Here is my chance to clear that up. Ai wrote the headlines in this article. I'm just going with the flow.
How YOU are affected by something is all that matters in any given situation. Being Israeli, people feel compelled to ask my opinion about news that comes up. Israel always has some drama going on. I'm not oblivious to it. I don't justify, let alone condone the violence. I haven't known family there since I was a kid. There are people who get paid to know what's going on and do what they can about it. I'm not one of those people, so I'm going to continue to play in this here pool that I'm playing in. LoL
The world has manifested enough shit from a place of fear to get us this far technologically. Look how far we've come while being afraid of what the world is becoming.
Since I have been on this manifestation journey, I have realized how many of my dreams came to life and how many literal wishes have come true.
Embracing Uncertainty
I don't know how anything is going to work out, but I'll never know unless I try, right?
One of the best things I ever did for my marriage was, on my wedding night, when my husband and I were arguing about something (stupid, no doubt there), in response to his silent treatment, stuck in a roachy motel room together while traveling, I shared out loud every thought in my head.
While he claimed to not be listening, I decided that, since we were married now, he should know how the spiral works. How one thought leads to another leads to another leads to another. I shared out loud every doubt I had in my head while he either ignored what I said, or blatantly tortured me, clearly hearing every conclusion I jumped to, as I said out loud what I saw him doing and what I thought it meant. I was spiraling in my head because my husband, on my wedding night, wasn't speaking to me. He'd been drinking. I assume he was thinking about his late wife. Then we ended up in this crappy motel.
The conversation could have gone in any direction from there. We survived. We're still married. Happier than ever these days. The one-way conversations have all but stopped, with the occasional exception. We've learned to not only HEAR what each other is saying, but to anticipate what each other will say without having to control the conversation. We've both learned to GUIDE the conversation to be either efficient or fun, depending on the moment.
1. Accept What You Can’t Control
What you have full control over is your energy and its flow. Right now, you're probably saying, "WTF does that mean?"
You may not have much hope for something to work out. Maybe you're having a rough day, but must you poop on someone else and the good day they're having?
Energy wants to be shared - good or bad. Positive or negative. One more than the other in most cases. Negative energy almost always comes with anxiety, which is wanting to live in a future moment. Anxiety wants you to FIX IT RIGHT NOW! No matter what it is, you want to escape this particular moment. USE that. Challenge yourself.
Let someone else lead the conversation for a moment. If they notice and ask what's wrong, take notice that someone cares and is listening. If they don't ask, then consider your audience. Maybe another time or place would be more appropriate to share. Sometimes talking to strangers is easier because you might never see them again, or a friendship may blossom. Who knows?
What you can't control is how what you say is received, nor how they'll react. Whether they'll judge or even care. What matters to you does not matter to everyone.
2. Stay Open to New Experiences
Some people don't do well with new. The comfort zone is called the comfort zone for a reason. It becomes home. When nothing changes, nothing changes, right?
If life feels boring these days, you're dismissing opportunities to connect. Whether it's in person or online, whether it's in a professional, romantic or personal aspect. Loneliness, unless acknowledged as the reason, leads to opportunities to find relationships that will likely be toxic.
While each person claims to have found what they want, validation is really all they want right now. The right to be lonely. Despite desperately wanting to connect to anyone that will have us or listen, it's the connection with yourself that you miss, not with another person, no matter who they are.
What if the New Experience you're supposed to be embracing is your own company?
How confidently do you answer your own getting-to-know-someone questions?
If you like to know what people's favorite anything is, can you, not only name your favorite, but why it's your favorite?
My ex-husband and I could not discuss religion because I was Jewish and he was "raised Catholic". His mother was, supposedly, raised in a convent. He did not attend church or care about biblical stories. In fact, he avoided the conversation altogether.
Every time, the topic came up, he claimed I was trying to convince him that his religion was wrong and he should believe what I said. Turns out, I don't even believe what I said at the time, but he felt challenged because his reason was "his mother said so". He felt like discussing his actual, negative opinion of God would disrespect his memory of his mother. His mother passed away 3 years before I met him.
3. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness gets a bad rep. It sounds so hokey and woo-woo. It's a trigger word for some. As soon as they hear the word, they tune out or dismiss what is said about it, not realizing that, by reading this through, you are practicing exactly that.
You are more determined to read every word, no matter what your motivation, than to stop reading because that word is usually followed by something not worth taking the time to read.
Mindfulness is owning your place in this moment.
What am I doing right now? - I name what I'm doing, whether I like it or not.
Why am I doing this? - I give it a reason that makes ME feel good.
Having fun. Sharing. Entertaining or connecting with someone. Being productive in some way.
This is me, now practicing Mindfulness,
followed by an Impulsive Decision
In asking myself what I'm doing right now, my reply would be: I'm having a conversation, but with whom? The answer, with myself. With the intention of sharing, WANTING to share these thoughts and concepts with whoever wants to hear them. More curious about who's listening and who might respond. Not insecure, but curious. This is not attention-seeking, nor seeking validation or an ego stroke.
So, here's the impulsive decision. Why am I doing this? This is going to sound stupid, in my opinion, but I'm throwing it out there to see if and how it's received.
This website is about changing the conversations. I used to say I was a sucker because I would fall for sob stories. I'm done playing and replaying the sob stories in my own head. Somebody's listening, now that I am. I just had to speak out what I wanted someone to hear.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, a vibration is created but no ears receive it to interpret it. Sound is what we hear, how we receive vibrations within earshot. My energy is going out, but I don't know how it's being received. It's appreciated, I have no doubt, but why is Peter running out of money to pay Paul's bills? (haha, iykyk)
I used to blur boundaries, set limits where they weren't necessary, ignored red flags and back my way out of conversations. I'm done doing that. I'm done having the same conversations both in my head, here online, in public, and in private.
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