Are You Asking or Telling?

A friend of mine used to say, "Don't tell me what to do" in response to, "Have a nice day."

We'd laugh and lead into what today looks like.

To be TOLD what to do triggers a rebellion in me. My dad was controlling, to say the least. He made the rules we had to live by. He set the expectation of what was good enough and what wasn't.

For us. Not for him. He'd bark orders and do whatever he was doing, giving zero consideration to what I was doing, or wanted to do. He wanted a boy and wasn't sure how to raise a girl. He meant well, being super protective of me, but keeping me hostage in a life that HE designed until I broke free, became me and made him proud.

As long as I relied on him, he "had the right" to tell me what to do. I did not appreciate anything he did until later, just as he did not recognize anything I did until I was gone.

When someone who's telling me what to do now, I consider the source. Do I trust this person? What's in it for them if I do vs what's in it for me?

I've learned to discern who's worth listening to, when and when not to. Still ironing out the details but I'm not as reactive as I once was. Today, if I trust you, I might listen, even if I don't like your tone.

The Tone/Energy in a Question

Who does not like being asked for their opinion? But being asked for your opinion and being asked to justify yourself are two completely different energies. Here's is how to distinguish between them.

If someone usually inquires only when they want your time, you serve a purpose in their life.

If they ask FOR your time, they value what you have to offer what THEY are doing. They are inviting you into their world. Sharing with you what's important to them. Respectfully honoring what you've done with your time so far, what kind of life experience you've collected so far.

Curiosity is what connects us. "Where could this go?", "What could this lead to?"

Resistance is what makes life hard. The word or name says it all, but not if you don't understand what it means.

What we are resisting is becoming who or what we're becoming. A more abundant version of yourself and your life. When you see lack, what you're lacking is within.

That craving that can't be satisfied. That vice that you can't seem to kick. That solace you seek is in your own sacrifice. Not for anyone or anything else but yourself.

To sacrifice for another is where resentment comes from. If I give up me for you, one day I might wonder, What if ....

• I stuck it out or left for the kids

• I stayed at that job or left sooner

• a relationship had worked out differently

• they never offered because I never asked

• I never offered because they never asked

I've been asking whoever I had the nerve to ask but have yet to figure out the actual answer. I'm asking here, now that I have this site going, if you know me, I'm curious what role I've played in your story or life.

For a long time, the need was desperate and I've gotten pushback for asking. It's not validation I seek. After MUCH soul searching, I finally actually know who I am and what I bring to the table, but I have no idea who the world thinks I am today.

Clearly I'm not who I was. I'm not the same woman who raised the boys I call mine. I'm not the same woman who struggled to find a place in a world she never felt like she belonged in. I have, since, DECIDED that I am right where I'm supposed to be, for as long as I WANT to be.

I've had moments of doubt. I've wondered if different decisions would have paid off better or differently. I wonder why I've been feeling so stuck and defeated. I wonder if I'm wasting time, mine, my husband's or anyone I've talked to. I've done the whole, "what am I doing wrong" long enough.

I was getting very limited feedback from my physical world and felt disconnected from contacts and colleagues I've met along the way. How many times have we said, this conversation is gold. I wish we would have recorded it.

I decided let's have it publicly. Here we are.